Confliction

I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier at its midnight release. I loved every single moment of it.

Now I understand, that is neither news, nor interesting since I love every superhero movie.

However, I found myself realizing a very important thing about Captain America. Since I was little, I've wanted several super powers, everything from flight to telekinesis. However, watching Captain America I realized, I wanted to be Steve Rogers.

I want to have the willpower that Steve Rogers has. I want to be willing to sacrifice myself to protect the ideals and people I care about. What isn't to love about a person like that?

The correct answer, is that that's the kind of person that everyone should strive to be like. Not someone who is willing to kill for their ideals/loved ones.

With all of that being said, I want to say something very different in this post. I don't know if it ties in at all, but it's something that's eating away at me, and I need to write it out.

...

So, I took a few days to think this through. Which is good for all of us, because I was not in a really good place the other day when I started this, and when that happens I write like I'm depressed, and nobody wants to read that. Haha.

Without further ado, and with all the stalling I could bear to do, here goes.

I've never been a typical person. I kind of pride myself on being different in a lot of ways. It's cool I think. I mean, it makes it hard to connect to people sometimes, but I love being how I am.

However, that's not to say I've always liked who I am. In fact I spent, and some days still spend, a good portion of my life loathing myself.

~~We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very important history lesson~~

I grew up in Amarillo, Texas. Amarillo is very much a member of the Bible Belt, and (even though the internet doesn't agree) I often tell people it's the Buckle of the Bible Belt.

Amarillo contains a group, similar to Westboro Baptist Church. Said group shoots stuffed Santas on a shooting range for being anti-Christian, and even tried to burn a Quran in MY MIDDLE SCHOOL'S PARK! I'm still not over the Quran thing.

That's not to say that Amarillo is crazy militant religious!! The religious role models I met in Amarillo inspire and encourage me to this very day! I just wanted to set the stage that I didn't grow up in a town like Austin, which is VERY different.

~~You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming~~

Like I said, I've never been a typical person. So, when I was in elementary school watching Josh Groban's special live show that came on the special DVD/CD of his album with my mom and brother, using my fancy PS2 that could play DVDs and my mom said, "Aww, he's cute." (as my mom often does) and I responded, "Yeah, he is cute." I didn't think anything weird.

That is until I got promptly told, "You're not supposed to say that about other boys."

Which, obviously, is one of those things that has stuck with me all these years, cause that was like, 12ish years ago yo!

So, fast forward a few years, to where I hit middle school. All of a sudden, I start to notice guys more often, even if it's a sub conscious thing. Rush of emotions. Dealing with Middle School is hard. Everyone is discovering themselves, and pushing the limits, and building/breaking friendships and it's crazy!

Add on these feelings that completely contradict what you think is right, and BAM! All of a sudden you've got this little ball of self hate that you can hide, but will grow over the years until it really explodes.

Then you've got these people who you've always felt you could talk to. Your parents. The wonderful teachers at your church. The wonderful teachers at your school. And all of a sudden you can't, because this is big. This is sacrilegious. This is anti-Christian.

I finally made it to high school, where I confided in a very small portion of my friends. By the time I hit graduation I'd probably told like... 15 people? None of whom were my family, or anyone connected to my church in anyway.

I got to college, and made the first break through. I told my parents. Which, was terrifying. I'd seen them react toward people we'd known, and I was terrified. I couldn't have done it if I weren't 9 hours away.

~~Side Note~~

I LOVE MY FAMILY! They have always been a positive force in my life, and they will forever be a powerful force, regardless of whatever hurdles life throws our way. I in no way hold anything against my mom or dad for how they raised/handled the situations I threw their way. They are wonderful, and responded in the only fashion I have grown to expect. (It was good. =D )

~~End Side Note~~

They were confused, and even brought up the usual things. "It's not a phase?" "You're not trying to fit in right?" "Have you prayed about it?" "You'll never be happy."

Which was better than I had made myself think they would respond. I had spent so much time hating myself that I had warped my own vision of my parents to expect them to reject me, or kick me out, or something dramatic.

After a few hours, I received a call from my mom. She had been crying, and I felt terrible. She told me that she loved me, and she always would. She just hadn't ever thought about it, and I FEEL like she said, "I was being jealous. I was thinking about what everyone would say. You're my son though, and I will always love you."

Which brings me to my final point.

I am not any different than I was before you read this. I'm not all of a sudden seeking to further some hidden agenda. The same William you knew before you started this post, is the same William I am after you read this.

I still have more hope in humanity than is probably smart for a person to have. I still love my friends more than anything. I would still do absolutely anything for my family. I still love Kingdom Hearts with a passion, and play video games more than I probably should. I'm still not a big fan of Lady Gaga, and I still love Relient K. I still pray on a regular basis, although I should pray more and I'm working on that, and I still have a wonderful faith that drives me forward daily.

I guess, the final point, and one of the biggest reasons I have waited so long to tell people, and even been really hesitant to tell people when they ask is as follows:

It's not something that defines me.

And I'm guilty of that too. I feel like it does sometimes. I feel like I can't escape it, because it defines me. Which is bogus. It's a part of me sure, but I am so much more than that.

So for the record, I am gay. Although, to be fair, I'm still figuring out who I am, so nothing is set in stone but that's the most fitting label at the moment.

P.S. There's nothing negative you could say to me that I haven't. I've heard it all from myself, and I promise you it was much worse than any way you could word it. I'm better now. I have come to love myself. I just wanted you to know, just in case you read this and had some really snarky comment, which I'm sure you don't because you're a wonderful person who would never do that.

Moving On

Here in about 2 months I will have graduated. I'll be moving to yet another town. 18 years in Amarillo. 4 years in Austin. And now Houston. I can't begin to speculate on how much time I'll spend there, but I hope that it's a wonderful time regardless.

I'm terrible when it comes to moving on.

You have to say goodbyes.

I mean, you can say "See you later" or something to that effect, but when it comes down to it, and being completely serious, there are goodbyes. The easiest ones are the ones you don't have to say. The ones where you're friends with someone, and you see them in class, and then you don't have class so you don't see them anymore. There's never a moment of, "I probably won't see you again" because you're still going to be on campus so you might.

Then there's the really hard goodbyes. The people you see on a daily basis. The ones you live with. The ones you couldn't live without. You know you're leaving them, and you hope you'll see them again, but you know it'll have to be something you work for.

I hate that. Which isn't a bad thing, just a fact about me. I much prefer not having to move on. I much prefer just continuing existence with the people I know.

Which is where I get in trouble. Because people have lives. People move on. I don't like to.

So I build up these really good relationships. You know, the kind that stop dark lords, and destroy evil rings. Relationships that make life worth it.

Great so far.

These relationships persist for a random period of time.

Still great.

Then things change.

Someone finds a significant other, changes to better fit who they want to be, or whatever else, and I have trouble coping with that.

WHICH IS STUPID.

I should be ecstatic when these things happen. I usually am, I just need to move on. Not leave them behind, but continue with life and move on past the changes. I don't know how I never properly learned this skill. It's something I see people doing often, and yet I have this inability to do so. It's something that I have to focus on and put effort into.

Partially, when faced with these changes, I feel like I'm being left in the dust. Often times in life, I feel like I'm falling, and I latch onto whatever I can to keep me from feeling like I'm just wasting away. Often times, this happens to be friendships. They make me feel whole in a way that I don't normally. And when something happens so that the friend grows up or moves on, I feel like I'm drifting again.

None of the above is good, and it's something that I've been trying to work on.

The main point of this, is that I don't want people to just accept my actions when they've grown and I can't accept it. I want people to understand that I acknowledge that it's an issue, and work with me through it. If that makes sense. No excuses, but it's a problem I've noticed, and need some time to hopefully fix.

And with all of that said, I'm excited for Houston. I'm excited for HP. And I'm excited to watch where everyone I know goes in their lives.

Here's to another page in this crazy adventure. =D

How to Introvert

I'm introverted.

Very much so. Being social, and hanging out isn't a skill that comes easy to me.

Pile that on top of other aspects of my character, and certain social situations become completely unbearable.

In fact, when approaching most social situations it feels like I'm climbing a huge wall in front of me, and if I get to the top I've succeeded in making it past the initial anxiety that comes with being social. However, a second wall is slowly approaching from behind, and going to pancake me. I have exactly 2 options. Either I risk getting squished, and keep climbing into the social situation, or I run like I want to, and stay safe.

The thing is though, even if I manage to make it to the top, and into the social situation alright, any number of things can trigger another wall that I'll have to climb, with yet another wall attempting to pancake me.

It's also the case that I can be losing the race, and freaking out due to the thought of getting squished when a simple act can pull me out just in time.

So, when I work up the courage to go out, or drink with people, or be in a social situation, regardless of what it is, it means that the people are worth it for me. I said before that it doesn't come easily to me, and that's not a lie.

Every single time I do something that isn't playing video games, or reading/writing/etc by myself, I have deemed the situation worth the fight. If I don't go into a situation, it's not that the people aren't worth it, it's that I don't feel like fighting that specific battle.

The absolute worst thing though, is trying to convey this to people who do enjoy social situations. It's hard explaining to people that you've fought all you can and so when complete strangers end up in your apartment the only thing you have the strength to do is curl up in your bed, and hope that there's no interaction between you and them.

Quite frankly, being a person who struggles to be social, and constantly fights inner battles to enjoy company with friends, and has to weigh each social situation for the personal benefit as well as that of people I care about sucks. Mainly because every time I don't fight, I feel like I let people down, or give off the wrong signal.

So there's that. XD

So I Found "Perspective"

I've spent a lot of my life worrying about how I come across to other people.

Having an older brother, I always worried that I was the annoying younger brother who ruined all my brother's "street cred"(1) by wanting to join in on video games and card games. In high school, I spent a lot of time worried that I was going to be the annoying underclassman trying to be friends with the Juniors and Seniors. In classes I spend a lot of time worried that I'll come across as THAT student that gets on the teachers nerves, as well as that of my fellow classmates. With my friends, I constantly worry that I'm not involved enough, or too vocal, or too quiet, or just not what they thought I was.

The most enlightening moment of my life though, was when I realized that none of that mattered.

Sure, I still care about how I come across to people, and I strive to come across in a way that isn't bothersome, but there isn't this overwhelming force in my life where I'm constantly worrying about what people think of me.

Strangely enough, this came with a sudden sense of realization that I am ridiculously(2) good looking.

Hear me out here, because I'm not vying for a spot on the list of 100 Most Handsome Men or whatever. What I mean is that once I acknowledged that I don't have to worry about how I come across to every single person constantly, I realized that I can love me for me. And if we're being honest here, I think I look fairly attractive. I don't expect every person I meet to think so though, and that doesn't bother me.

AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO!

Which is probably one of the most refreshing things in the world to realize. I like me, a lot. I'm weird, and quirky, and like video games way too much, and will completely fawn over actors based on their mastery of facial expressions(3), and get too excited when I find someone with any sort of talent, and gush over the cheesiness of shows/games. I can watch the same show over and over and over and always manage to tear up, even though I know in the end the hero wins. And I am a sucker for anything Strawberry. I will flat out go Coocoo for Strawberries(4).

This, and so much more, is all me. I love every bit of it. The beautiful thing too, is that if I don't something I can change it. It might be hard but I can. And the even more beautiful thing, is that it's all independent of what other people think of me. I can't control that, and I'm no longer trying to(5).

So, here I am. Four months from graduating, starting full time at HP, and I'm loving every minute of it. =D

1 I'm not entirely sure nerds have street cred, but that's what I'm calling it. XD
2 Ridiculously here is used jokingly, and more so implies a sense of self confidence.
3 This is 100% true, and can also be applied to people who aren't famous. I just really enjoy when someone has good facial expressions. =P
4 So much so that it has to be capitalized. Yeah, obsessed!
5 I don't think I've been letting it control me for a while, but I wanted to make it clear.

Do Reminisce While Exist

If there was ever a perfect title for my autobiography that would be it.

I have a habit, which some times isn't that great, where I periodically look back through old messages. This includes Facebook messages, Texts, E-mails, Notes, Yearbook signage, or any other medium through which my past has been documented.

I say sometimes it isn't that great, because often times I find myself in the dark bit of my past. When I do that it's a really quick spiral into past William being completely stupid and making choices that should never have been made by any sane human being.

To be fair (Which has become my favorite phrase ever), I wasn't all bad. I know that now, but for some reason one bad note exchange is connected to a bad e-mail exchange, and I can't seem to find anything redeemable about me.

One of the reasons I like doing this though, is because when I find myself caught in the spiral of good things, they are phenomenal.

The other day I was looking through pictures from CSSI, which is the event that sparked this entire blog.

Today, I pulled out my senior year book.

Both were phenomenal experiences for me. Both had a similar theme to them.

People.

Er...

Friends.

People who have encouraged and motivated me to do things that I couldn't do on my own.

If there's any problem I have most, it's not believing in myself. It's this strange thing where I feel like everything I do is wrong. I say the wrong things in conversations, I am terrible at coding, I can't write to save my life, and so much more.

Then I look at these people in my life, and they give me faith in me.

So, not a long post, but thank you to every single person who has crossed my path, whether it was once a long time ago, or you cross by on a regular basis.

I am who I am today because you have helped shape me, and I am really proud of that. I hope that I can keep improving, and make you proud to say you know me!

And I've officially figured out my New Year's resolution, to be more appreciative of the people in my life.

Here's to many more years of reminiscing! =D

Gryffindor -> Loyal

I'm bored.

That's a good reason to blog again, right?

What do I say though? Do I bore anyone reading this with a summary of my life recently? Do I attempt to find some deep meaningful thought in the mess that is my head? Or do I just write and see where it takes me, in the hopes that the journey is something you enjoy, as well as learn from?

I think I'll just write. In fact, I'm treating this as though I'm vlogging, I have a general idea of what I want to say and I'm just going to say things as they come. I'll only stop to correct huge grammatical errors, and minor spelling ones. Haha. If you've already found any then I entreat you to tell me so I can not make them in the future. (I probably will though.)

So, life man. Right?

Well, it's crazy.

I'm graduating next May.

Seriously how is it already that time?

I shouldn't be graduating. I don't have enough experience, I haven't learned everything I can, and I most certainly don't know what the next step is.

People usually have plans, right?

I usually have plans.

I haven't recently.

I mean, the general ones are there.

1) Graduate.

2) Start work.

3) Etc...

That's about it right?

Some big things are missing? I'm sure they aren't too big.

But seriously that's my plan, and people ask about it, and that's what I respond, and I feel like such a loser.

I know people who know where they're going, and I'm here, praying and listening, and waiting to hear back from the last of many interviews in the hopes that this one is different.

See, I'm not extraordinary. I say this often, but it's true. I'm not the best Computer Scientist, most strategical, most innovative, or even the smartest student. I'm fairly average.

I wrote a play for my Play-writing class. Each of my plays has some of me in them. This one was me. It made me realize something about me. I'm not the best at just about anything. I'll accept that. On the outside I'm really rather normal. My extraordinary nature comes from something entirely intangible.

I'm loyal. Like, unhealthily loyal. While playing a video game, I'm loyal. While playing on a soccer team, I'm loyal. When dealing with friends, I'm loyal.

Sure, I screw up. I do really idiotic things, and make super wrong decisions but I'm still loyal.

See, that's something I can't convey to people.

How do you tell someone when they're interviewing you that if you get the position you will be the most passionate person about that company. How do you tell someone that even though you've been turned down for internships and full time jobs you still love their company, and their employees, and will continue to be an advocate for their company?

While growing up I often thought it would be great if I could get back at people who hurt me. Because for some reason I'm a very revenge oriented person. (Not anymore as far as I know. XD)

So, when someone would do something to me, that bothered me, I would get back at them. It was in really indirect ways, and almost always didn't get the point across. So, before college I was super close with my sister. Not that we aren't now, just we're far away and it's hard. Well, I remember once there was a misunderstanding of sorts between us. I think I had suggested going somewhere, and she had sort of said yeah. I decided I was not going to do anything until she legitimately said she wanted to go. Or something stupid like that. My thinking was that if I didn't do anything, and thus laid there miserable, she'd eventually ask. Something along those lines. Well, she didn't, and I spent several hours doing nothing, eventually falling asleep for the night.

I was really ridiculous.

So, I hit college and fall in love with a specific entity. I get involved with it, and start doing things, taking leadership roles, actively applying for things. Eventually I get my first rejection from it, and I was furious. They had their reasons, but I was upset, especially since I was told to apply since I'd be a good candidate.

How could they just turn me away. That was bogus, and they know it. I was frustrated and fed up.

And for about, 5 minutes, I was decided that I was done. No more involvement, no more caring. I was just going to stop talking with them, and that they'd feel bad.

After I got over all that, I went right back to interacting with them, and being an all around advocate for them.

I got turned away again, this time it was something I was more passionate about.

I think I lasted 10 minutes this time.

I'm still quite involved. I still love the entity. I'm fairly certain I'll continue liking it for many years to come.

See, I may falter. I may find myself foaming about the very thing. But I'm still loyal. I'll have your back, long after you've stopped having mine.

TL;DR

If I have ever called you a friend (including most people I've barely talked to, because I make friends quick), or supported a certain group, I will have your back. SERIOUSLY.

Love you guys! =D

(Did that whole post even have a point? I dunno. I just was typing as I thought. How's that for a free-write exercise? Haha.)

Finding Faith

I've never tried to hide my faith, but I've never really been one for telling people about my faith either. I just imagined that if I didn't talk to people about it, then I could pretend it was an all powerful faith that couldn't be challenged.

In reality, I was scared. I was terrified that if somebody knew where I stood in my faith they would call me out. They'd tell me that I wasn't actually a Christian. I was scared they'd realize that I wasn't strong enough to give my life to God. That I believed he'd be there for me always, but that I was still the one who needed to make the major decisions.

I'm a very analytical person. I have been since I was little. The steps required to build code makes more sense to me than the creativity required to build a play. Math and Science make sense, English and Art and Music are beautiful to me because I can't grasp how they do it. As such, it's very easy for me to believe in cold hard facts, and a stretch for me to believe outside of that.

So, if I'm so rooted in fact how can I bring myself to believe in God? Because of facts. I'm an emotional person. I'll cry at anything that's remotely sad, and I'll cry at anything that is sad in context, even if it's supposed to be comic relief. However, I've come to tell the difference between my levels of crying. I cried during Ni No Kuni, because, spoiler alert, it was super sad and uplifting and just powerful. But the pain I felt when I watched Chris acting in Denton, the emotions that he roused inside of me weren't emotions I feel regularly. Heck, I can barely write that without breaking down.

I went to church last Sunday, and a Youth Service, thanks to being blessed and meeting a fellow Christian. While I sat in both of those services, while I listened to the message, and sang along to the worship songs I could feel my insides turning. Every sleeping piece of myself was stirring. I was in tears for most of it, overwhelmed with the peace I felt. I wasn't going to a church, I wasn't visiting a friend, I was coming home, and it all made sense.

I'd been running from Christ, claiming that I believed in him but knew better for what I needed in my life. I had spent all this time convincing myself, and anyone I could, that I was a strong believer. I wasn't. I was scared, and I'm terrified. I've always been terrified, because I want to go places. I want my dream job. I want my dream home. I grew up hearing stories of people who went into ministry. They lived each day spreading the word of God, and they were at peace.

As a kid, who dreamed of making video games. Who saw in numbers and facts. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to. Now though, I couldn't have made it where I am if he weren't helping me. I wouldn't be interviewing with Google if it wasn't part of his plan. I wouldn't have been picked for my internships or CS Summer camps if it wasn't part of his plan for me.

So here I am, a senior in college, my whole life just waiting to start, and I'm finally sitting down asking God to guide me. To be the deciding factor in my life, not an after thought, because I can do anything through Christ, but nothing without him. And honestly, I'm more terrified of living my dream life without him, than anything else.