Confliction

I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier at its midnight release. I loved every single moment of it.

Now I understand, that is neither news, nor interesting since I love every superhero movie.

However, I found myself realizing a very important thing about Captain America. Since I was little, I've wanted several super powers, everything from flight to telekinesis. However, watching Captain America I realized, I wanted to be Steve Rogers.

I want to have the willpower that Steve Rogers has. I want to be willing to sacrifice myself to protect the ideals and people I care about. What isn't to love about a person like that?

The correct answer, is that that's the kind of person that everyone should strive to be like. Not someone who is willing to kill for their ideals/loved ones.

With all of that being said, I want to say something very different in this post. I don't know if it ties in at all, but it's something that's eating away at me, and I need to write it out.

...

So, I took a few days to think this through. Which is good for all of us, because I was not in a really good place the other day when I started this, and when that happens I write like I'm depressed, and nobody wants to read that. Haha.

Without further ado, and with all the stalling I could bear to do, here goes.

I've never been a typical person. I kind of pride myself on being different in a lot of ways. It's cool I think. I mean, it makes it hard to connect to people sometimes, but I love being how I am.

However, that's not to say I've always liked who I am. In fact I spent, and some days still spend, a good portion of my life loathing myself.

~~We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very important history lesson~~

I grew up in Amarillo, Texas. Amarillo is very much a member of the Bible Belt, and (even though the internet doesn't agree) I often tell people it's the Buckle of the Bible Belt.

Amarillo contains a group, similar to Westboro Baptist Church. Said group shoots stuffed Santas on a shooting range for being anti-Christian, and even tried to burn a Quran in MY MIDDLE SCHOOL'S PARK! I'm still not over the Quran thing.

That's not to say that Amarillo is crazy militant religious!! The religious role models I met in Amarillo inspire and encourage me to this very day! I just wanted to set the stage that I didn't grow up in a town like Austin, which is VERY different.

~~You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming~~

Like I said, I've never been a typical person. So, when I was in elementary school watching Josh Groban's special live show that came on the special DVD/CD of his album with my mom and brother, using my fancy PS2 that could play DVDs and my mom said, "Aww, he's cute." (as my mom often does) and I responded, "Yeah, he is cute." I didn't think anything weird.

That is until I got promptly told, "You're not supposed to say that about other boys."

Which, obviously, is one of those things that has stuck with me all these years, cause that was like, 12ish years ago yo!

So, fast forward a few years, to where I hit middle school. All of a sudden, I start to notice guys more often, even if it's a sub conscious thing. Rush of emotions. Dealing with Middle School is hard. Everyone is discovering themselves, and pushing the limits, and building/breaking friendships and it's crazy!

Add on these feelings that completely contradict what you think is right, and BAM! All of a sudden you've got this little ball of self hate that you can hide, but will grow over the years until it really explodes.

Then you've got these people who you've always felt you could talk to. Your parents. The wonderful teachers at your church. The wonderful teachers at your school. And all of a sudden you can't, because this is big. This is sacrilegious. This is anti-Christian.

I finally made it to high school, where I confided in a very small portion of my friends. By the time I hit graduation I'd probably told like... 15 people? None of whom were my family, or anyone connected to my church in anyway.

I got to college, and made the first break through. I told my parents. Which, was terrifying. I'd seen them react toward people we'd known, and I was terrified. I couldn't have done it if I weren't 9 hours away.

~~Side Note~~

I LOVE MY FAMILY! They have always been a positive force in my life, and they will forever be a powerful force, regardless of whatever hurdles life throws our way. I in no way hold anything against my mom or dad for how they raised/handled the situations I threw their way. They are wonderful, and responded in the only fashion I have grown to expect. (It was good. =D )

~~End Side Note~~

They were confused, and even brought up the usual things. "It's not a phase?" "You're not trying to fit in right?" "Have you prayed about it?" "You'll never be happy."

Which was better than I had made myself think they would respond. I had spent so much time hating myself that I had warped my own vision of my parents to expect them to reject me, or kick me out, or something dramatic.

After a few hours, I received a call from my mom. She had been crying, and I felt terrible. She told me that she loved me, and she always would. She just hadn't ever thought about it, and I FEEL like she said, "I was being jealous. I was thinking about what everyone would say. You're my son though, and I will always love you."

Which brings me to my final point.

I am not any different than I was before you read this. I'm not all of a sudden seeking to further some hidden agenda. The same William you knew before you started this post, is the same William I am after you read this.

I still have more hope in humanity than is probably smart for a person to have. I still love my friends more than anything. I would still do absolutely anything for my family. I still love Kingdom Hearts with a passion, and play video games more than I probably should. I'm still not a big fan of Lady Gaga, and I still love Relient K. I still pray on a regular basis, although I should pray more and I'm working on that, and I still have a wonderful faith that drives me forward daily.

I guess, the final point, and one of the biggest reasons I have waited so long to tell people, and even been really hesitant to tell people when they ask is as follows:

It's not something that defines me.

And I'm guilty of that too. I feel like it does sometimes. I feel like I can't escape it, because it defines me. Which is bogus. It's a part of me sure, but I am so much more than that.

So for the record, I am gay. Although, to be fair, I'm still figuring out who I am, so nothing is set in stone but that's the most fitting label at the moment.

P.S. There's nothing negative you could say to me that I haven't. I've heard it all from myself, and I promise you it was much worse than any way you could word it. I'm better now. I have come to love myself. I just wanted you to know, just in case you read this and had some really snarky comment, which I'm sure you don't because you're a wonderful person who would never do that.