How to Introvert

I'm introverted.

Very much so. Being social, and hanging out isn't a skill that comes easy to me.

Pile that on top of other aspects of my character, and certain social situations become completely unbearable.

In fact, when approaching most social situations it feels like I'm climbing a huge wall in front of me, and if I get to the top I've succeeded in making it past the initial anxiety that comes with being social. However, a second wall is slowly approaching from behind, and going to pancake me. I have exactly 2 options. Either I risk getting squished, and keep climbing into the social situation, or I run like I want to, and stay safe.

The thing is though, even if I manage to make it to the top, and into the social situation alright, any number of things can trigger another wall that I'll have to climb, with yet another wall attempting to pancake me.

It's also the case that I can be losing the race, and freaking out due to the thought of getting squished when a simple act can pull me out just in time.

So, when I work up the courage to go out, or drink with people, or be in a social situation, regardless of what it is, it means that the people are worth it for me. I said before that it doesn't come easily to me, and that's not a lie.

Every single time I do something that isn't playing video games, or reading/writing/etc by myself, I have deemed the situation worth the fight. If I don't go into a situation, it's not that the people aren't worth it, it's that I don't feel like fighting that specific battle.

The absolute worst thing though, is trying to convey this to people who do enjoy social situations. It's hard explaining to people that you've fought all you can and so when complete strangers end up in your apartment the only thing you have the strength to do is curl up in your bed, and hope that there's no interaction between you and them.

Quite frankly, being a person who struggles to be social, and constantly fights inner battles to enjoy company with friends, and has to weigh each social situation for the personal benefit as well as that of people I care about sucks. Mainly because every time I don't fight, I feel like I let people down, or give off the wrong signal.

So there's that. XD