I'm introverted.
Very much so. Being social, and hanging out isn't a skill that comes easy to me.
Pile that on top of other aspects of my character, and certain social situations become completely unbearable.
In fact, when approaching most social situations it feels like I'm climbing a huge wall in front of me, and if I get to the top I've succeeded in making it past the initial anxiety that comes with being social. However, a second wall is slowly approaching from behind, and going to pancake me. I have exactly 2 options. Either I risk getting squished, and keep climbing into the social situation, or I run like I want to, and stay safe.
The thing is though, even if I manage to make it to the top, and into the social situation alright, any number of things can trigger another wall that I'll have to climb, with yet another wall attempting to pancake me.
It's also the case that I can be losing the race, and freaking out due to the thought of getting squished when a simple act can pull me out just in time.
So, when I work up the courage to go out, or drink with people, or be in a social situation, regardless of what it is, it means that the people are worth it for me. I said before that it doesn't come easily to me, and that's not a lie.
Every single time I do something that isn't playing video games, or reading/writing/etc by myself, I have deemed the situation worth the fight. If I don't go into a situation, it's not that the people aren't worth it, it's that I don't feel like fighting that specific battle.
The absolute worst thing though, is trying to convey this to people who do enjoy social situations. It's hard explaining to people that you've fought all you can and so when complete strangers end up in your apartment the only thing you have the strength to do is curl up in your bed, and hope that there's no interaction between you and them.
Quite frankly, being a person who struggles to be social, and constantly fights inner battles to enjoy company with friends, and has to weigh each social situation for the personal benefit as well as that of people I care about sucks. Mainly because every time I don't fight, I feel like I let people down, or give off the wrong signal.
So there's that. XD
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
So I Found "Perspective"
I've spent a lot of my life worrying about how I come across to other people.
Having an older brother, I always worried that I was the annoying younger brother who ruined all my brother's "street cred"(1) by wanting to join in on video games and card games. In high school, I spent a lot of time worried that I was going to be the annoying underclassman trying to be friends with the Juniors and Seniors. In classes I spend a lot of time worried that I'll come across as THAT student that gets on the teachers nerves, as well as that of my fellow classmates. With my friends, I constantly worry that I'm not involved enough, or too vocal, or too quiet, or just not what they thought I was.
The most enlightening moment of my life though, was when I realized that none of that mattered.
Sure, I still care about how I come across to people, and I strive to come across in a way that isn't bothersome, but there isn't this overwhelming force in my life where I'm constantly worrying about what people think of me.
Strangely enough, this came with a sudden sense of realization that I am ridiculously(2) good looking.
Hear me out here, because I'm not vying for a spot on the list of 100 Most Handsome Men or whatever. What I mean is that once I acknowledged that I don't have to worry about how I come across to every single person constantly, I realized that I can love me for me. And if we're being honest here, I think I look fairly attractive. I don't expect every person I meet to think so though, and that doesn't bother me.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO!
Which is probably one of the most refreshing things in the world to realize. I like me, a lot. I'm weird, and quirky, and like video games way too much, and will completely fawn over actors based on their mastery of facial expressions(3), and get too excited when I find someone with any sort of talent, and gush over the cheesiness of shows/games. I can watch the same show over and over and over and always manage to tear up, even though I know in the end the hero wins. And I am a sucker for anything Strawberry. I will flat out go Coocoo for Strawberries(4).
This, and so much more, is all me. I love every bit of it. The beautiful thing too, is that if I don't something I can change it. It might be hard but I can. And the even more beautiful thing, is that it's all independent of what other people think of me. I can't control that, and I'm no longer trying to(5).
So, here I am. Four months from graduating, starting full time at HP, and I'm loving every minute of it. =D
1 I'm not entirely sure nerds have street cred, but that's what I'm calling it. XD
2 Ridiculously here is used jokingly, and more so implies a sense of self confidence.
3 This is 100% true, and can also be applied to people who aren't famous. I just really enjoy when someone has good facial expressions. =P
4 So much so that it has to be capitalized. Yeah, obsessed!
5 I don't think I've been letting it control me for a while, but I wanted to make it clear.
Having an older brother, I always worried that I was the annoying younger brother who ruined all my brother's "street cred"(1) by wanting to join in on video games and card games. In high school, I spent a lot of time worried that I was going to be the annoying underclassman trying to be friends with the Juniors and Seniors. In classes I spend a lot of time worried that I'll come across as THAT student that gets on the teachers nerves, as well as that of my fellow classmates. With my friends, I constantly worry that I'm not involved enough, or too vocal, or too quiet, or just not what they thought I was.
The most enlightening moment of my life though, was when I realized that none of that mattered.
Sure, I still care about how I come across to people, and I strive to come across in a way that isn't bothersome, but there isn't this overwhelming force in my life where I'm constantly worrying about what people think of me.
Strangely enough, this came with a sudden sense of realization that I am ridiculously(2) good looking.
Hear me out here, because I'm not vying for a spot on the list of 100 Most Handsome Men or whatever. What I mean is that once I acknowledged that I don't have to worry about how I come across to every single person constantly, I realized that I can love me for me. And if we're being honest here, I think I look fairly attractive. I don't expect every person I meet to think so though, and that doesn't bother me.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO!
Which is probably one of the most refreshing things in the world to realize. I like me, a lot. I'm weird, and quirky, and like video games way too much, and will completely fawn over actors based on their mastery of facial expressions(3), and get too excited when I find someone with any sort of talent, and gush over the cheesiness of shows/games. I can watch the same show over and over and over and always manage to tear up, even though I know in the end the hero wins. And I am a sucker for anything Strawberry. I will flat out go Coocoo for Strawberries(4).
This, and so much more, is all me. I love every bit of it. The beautiful thing too, is that if I don't something I can change it. It might be hard but I can. And the even more beautiful thing, is that it's all independent of what other people think of me. I can't control that, and I'm no longer trying to(5).
So, here I am. Four months from graduating, starting full time at HP, and I'm loving every minute of it. =D
1 I'm not entirely sure nerds have street cred, but that's what I'm calling it. XD
2 Ridiculously here is used jokingly, and more so implies a sense of self confidence.
3 This is 100% true, and can also be applied to people who aren't famous. I just really enjoy when someone has good facial expressions. =P
4 So much so that it has to be capitalized. Yeah, obsessed!
5 I don't think I've been letting it control me for a while, but I wanted to make it clear.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Do Reminisce While Exist
If there was ever a perfect title for my autobiography that would be it.
I have a habit, which some times isn't that great, where I periodically look back through old messages. This includes Facebook messages, Texts, E-mails, Notes, Yearbook signage, or any other medium through which my past has been documented.
I say sometimes it isn't that great, because often times I find myself in the dark bit of my past. When I do that it's a really quick spiral into past William being completely stupid and making choices that should never have been made by any sane human being.
To be fair (Which has become my favorite phrase ever), I wasn't all bad. I know that now, but for some reason one bad note exchange is connected to a bad e-mail exchange, and I can't seem to find anything redeemable about me.
One of the reasons I like doing this though, is because when I find myself caught in the spiral of good things, they are phenomenal.
The other day I was looking through pictures from CSSI, which is the event that sparked this entire blog.
Today, I pulled out my senior year book.
Both were phenomenal experiences for me. Both had a similar theme to them.
People.
Er...
Friends.
People who have encouraged and motivated me to do things that I couldn't do on my own.
If there's any problem I have most, it's not believing in myself. It's this strange thing where I feel like everything I do is wrong. I say the wrong things in conversations, I am terrible at coding, I can't write to save my life, and so much more.
Then I look at these people in my life, and they give me faith in me.
So, not a long post, but thank you to every single person who has crossed my path, whether it was once a long time ago, or you cross by on a regular basis.
I am who I am today because you have helped shape me, and I am really proud of that. I hope that I can keep improving, and make you proud to say you know me!
And I've officially figured out my New Year's resolution, to be more appreciative of the people in my life.
Here's to many more years of reminiscing! =D
Friday, November 15, 2013
Gryffindor -> Loyal
I'm bored.
That's a good reason to blog again, right?
What do I say though? Do I bore anyone reading this with a summary of my life recently? Do I attempt to find some deep meaningful thought in the mess that is my head? Or do I just write and see where it takes me, in the hopes that the journey is something you enjoy, as well as learn from?
I think I'll just write. In fact, I'm treating this as though I'm vlogging, I have a general idea of what I want to say and I'm just going to say things as they come. I'll only stop to correct huge grammatical errors, and minor spelling ones. Haha. If you've already found any then I entreat you to tell me so I can not make them in the future. (I probably will though.)
So, life man. Right?
Well, it's crazy.
I'm graduating next May.
Seriously how is it already that time?
I shouldn't be graduating. I don't have enough experience, I haven't learned everything I can, and I most certainly don't know what the next step is.
People usually have plans, right?
I usually have plans.
I haven't recently.
I mean, the general ones are there.
1) Graduate.
2) Start work.
3) Etc...
That's about it right?
Some big things are missing? I'm sure they aren't too big.
But seriously that's my plan, and people ask about it, and that's what I respond, and I feel like such a loser.
I know people who know where they're going, and I'm here, praying and listening, and waiting to hear back from the last of many interviews in the hopes that this one is different.
See, I'm not extraordinary. I say this often, but it's true. I'm not the best Computer Scientist, most strategical, most innovative, or even the smartest student. I'm fairly average.
I wrote a play for my Play-writing class. Each of my plays has some of me in them. This one was me. It made me realize something about me. I'm not the best at just about anything. I'll accept that. On the outside I'm really rather normal. My extraordinary nature comes from something entirely intangible.
I'm loyal. Like, unhealthily loyal. While playing a video game, I'm loyal. While playing on a soccer team, I'm loyal. When dealing with friends, I'm loyal.
Sure, I screw up. I do really idiotic things, and make super wrong decisions but I'm still loyal.
See, that's something I can't convey to people.
How do you tell someone when they're interviewing you that if you get the position you will be the most passionate person about that company. How do you tell someone that even though you've been turned down for internships and full time jobs you still love their company, and their employees, and will continue to be an advocate for their company?
While growing up I often thought it would be great if I could get back at people who hurt me. Because for some reason I'm a very revenge oriented person. (Not anymore as far as I know. XD)
So, when someone would do something to me, that bothered me, I would get back at them. It was in really indirect ways, and almost always didn't get the point across. So, before college I was super close with my sister. Not that we aren't now, just we're far away and it's hard. Well, I remember once there was a misunderstanding of sorts between us. I think I had suggested going somewhere, and she had sort of said yeah. I decided I was not going to do anything until she legitimately said she wanted to go. Or something stupid like that. My thinking was that if I didn't do anything, and thus laid there miserable, she'd eventually ask. Something along those lines. Well, she didn't, and I spent several hours doing nothing, eventually falling asleep for the night.
I was really ridiculous.
So, I hit college and fall in love with a specific entity. I get involved with it, and start doing things, taking leadership roles, actively applying for things. Eventually I get my first rejection from it, and I was furious. They had their reasons, but I was upset, especially since I was told to apply since I'd be a good candidate.
How could they just turn me away. That was bogus, and they know it. I was frustrated and fed up.
And for about, 5 minutes, I was decided that I was done. No more involvement, no more caring. I was just going to stop talking with them, and that they'd feel bad.
After I got over all that, I went right back to interacting with them, and being an all around advocate for them.
I got turned away again, this time it was something I was more passionate about.
I think I lasted 10 minutes this time.
I'm still quite involved. I still love the entity. I'm fairly certain I'll continue liking it for many years to come.
See, I may falter. I may find myself foaming about the very thing. But I'm still loyal. I'll have your back, long after you've stopped having mine.
TL;DR
If I have ever called you a friend (including most people I've barely talked to, because I make friends quick), or supported a certain group, I will have your back. SERIOUSLY.
Love you guys! =D
(Did that whole post even have a point? I dunno. I just was typing as I thought. How's that for a free-write exercise? Haha.)
That's a good reason to blog again, right?
What do I say though? Do I bore anyone reading this with a summary of my life recently? Do I attempt to find some deep meaningful thought in the mess that is my head? Or do I just write and see where it takes me, in the hopes that the journey is something you enjoy, as well as learn from?
I think I'll just write. In fact, I'm treating this as though I'm vlogging, I have a general idea of what I want to say and I'm just going to say things as they come. I'll only stop to correct huge grammatical errors, and minor spelling ones. Haha. If you've already found any then I entreat you to tell me so I can not make them in the future. (I probably will though.)
So, life man. Right?
Well, it's crazy.
I'm graduating next May.
Seriously how is it already that time?
I shouldn't be graduating. I don't have enough experience, I haven't learned everything I can, and I most certainly don't know what the next step is.
People usually have plans, right?
I usually have plans.
I haven't recently.
I mean, the general ones are there.
1) Graduate.
2) Start work.
3) Etc...
That's about it right?
Some big things are missing? I'm sure they aren't too big.
But seriously that's my plan, and people ask about it, and that's what I respond, and I feel like such a loser.
I know people who know where they're going, and I'm here, praying and listening, and waiting to hear back from the last of many interviews in the hopes that this one is different.
See, I'm not extraordinary. I say this often, but it's true. I'm not the best Computer Scientist, most strategical, most innovative, or even the smartest student. I'm fairly average.
I wrote a play for my Play-writing class. Each of my plays has some of me in them. This one was me. It made me realize something about me. I'm not the best at just about anything. I'll accept that. On the outside I'm really rather normal. My extraordinary nature comes from something entirely intangible.
I'm loyal. Like, unhealthily loyal. While playing a video game, I'm loyal. While playing on a soccer team, I'm loyal. When dealing with friends, I'm loyal.
Sure, I screw up. I do really idiotic things, and make super wrong decisions but I'm still loyal.
See, that's something I can't convey to people.
How do you tell someone when they're interviewing you that if you get the position you will be the most passionate person about that company. How do you tell someone that even though you've been turned down for internships and full time jobs you still love their company, and their employees, and will continue to be an advocate for their company?
While growing up I often thought it would be great if I could get back at people who hurt me. Because for some reason I'm a very revenge oriented person. (Not anymore as far as I know. XD)
So, when someone would do something to me, that bothered me, I would get back at them. It was in really indirect ways, and almost always didn't get the point across. So, before college I was super close with my sister. Not that we aren't now, just we're far away and it's hard. Well, I remember once there was a misunderstanding of sorts between us. I think I had suggested going somewhere, and she had sort of said yeah. I decided I was not going to do anything until she legitimately said she wanted to go. Or something stupid like that. My thinking was that if I didn't do anything, and thus laid there miserable, she'd eventually ask. Something along those lines. Well, she didn't, and I spent several hours doing nothing, eventually falling asleep for the night.
I was really ridiculous.
So, I hit college and fall in love with a specific entity. I get involved with it, and start doing things, taking leadership roles, actively applying for things. Eventually I get my first rejection from it, and I was furious. They had their reasons, but I was upset, especially since I was told to apply since I'd be a good candidate.
How could they just turn me away. That was bogus, and they know it. I was frustrated and fed up.
And for about, 5 minutes, I was decided that I was done. No more involvement, no more caring. I was just going to stop talking with them, and that they'd feel bad.
After I got over all that, I went right back to interacting with them, and being an all around advocate for them.
I got turned away again, this time it was something I was more passionate about.
I think I lasted 10 minutes this time.
I'm still quite involved. I still love the entity. I'm fairly certain I'll continue liking it for many years to come.
See, I may falter. I may find myself foaming about the very thing. But I'm still loyal. I'll have your back, long after you've stopped having mine.
TL;DR
If I have ever called you a friend (including most people I've barely talked to, because I make friends quick), or supported a certain group, I will have your back. SERIOUSLY.
Love you guys! =D
(Did that whole post even have a point? I dunno. I just was typing as I thought. How's that for a free-write exercise? Haha.)
Friday, September 20, 2013
Finding Faith
I've never tried to hide my faith, but I've never really been one for telling people about my faith either. I just imagined that if I didn't talk to people about it, then I could pretend it was an all powerful faith that couldn't be challenged.
In reality, I was scared. I was terrified that if somebody knew where I stood in my faith they would call me out. They'd tell me that I wasn't actually a Christian. I was scared they'd realize that I wasn't strong enough to give my life to God. That I believed he'd be there for me always, but that I was still the one who needed to make the major decisions.
I'm a very analytical person. I have been since I was little. The steps required to build code makes more sense to me than the creativity required to build a play. Math and Science make sense, English and Art and Music are beautiful to me because I can't grasp how they do it. As such, it's very easy for me to believe in cold hard facts, and a stretch for me to believe outside of that.
So, if I'm so rooted in fact how can I bring myself to believe in God? Because of facts. I'm an emotional person. I'll cry at anything that's remotely sad, and I'll cry at anything that is sad in context, even if it's supposed to be comic relief. However, I've come to tell the difference between my levels of crying. I cried during Ni No Kuni, because, spoiler alert, it was super sad and uplifting and just powerful. But the pain I felt when I watched Chris acting in Denton, the emotions that he roused inside of me weren't emotions I feel regularly. Heck, I can barely write that without breaking down.
I went to church last Sunday, and a Youth Service, thanks to being blessed and meeting a fellow Christian. While I sat in both of those services, while I listened to the message, and sang along to the worship songs I could feel my insides turning. Every sleeping piece of myself was stirring. I was in tears for most of it, overwhelmed with the peace I felt. I wasn't going to a church, I wasn't visiting a friend, I was coming home, and it all made sense.
I'd been running from Christ, claiming that I believed in him but knew better for what I needed in my life. I had spent all this time convincing myself, and anyone I could, that I was a strong believer. I wasn't. I was scared, and I'm terrified. I've always been terrified, because I want to go places. I want my dream job. I want my dream home. I grew up hearing stories of people who went into ministry. They lived each day spreading the word of God, and they were at peace.
As a kid, who dreamed of making video games. Who saw in numbers and facts. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to. Now though, I couldn't have made it where I am if he weren't helping me. I wouldn't be interviewing with Google if it wasn't part of his plan. I wouldn't have been picked for my internships or CS Summer camps if it wasn't part of his plan for me.
So here I am, a senior in college, my whole life just waiting to start, and I'm finally sitting down asking God to guide me. To be the deciding factor in my life, not an after thought, because I can do anything through Christ, but nothing without him. And honestly, I'm more terrified of living my dream life without him, than anything else.
In reality, I was scared. I was terrified that if somebody knew where I stood in my faith they would call me out. They'd tell me that I wasn't actually a Christian. I was scared they'd realize that I wasn't strong enough to give my life to God. That I believed he'd be there for me always, but that I was still the one who needed to make the major decisions.
I'm a very analytical person. I have been since I was little. The steps required to build code makes more sense to me than the creativity required to build a play. Math and Science make sense, English and Art and Music are beautiful to me because I can't grasp how they do it. As such, it's very easy for me to believe in cold hard facts, and a stretch for me to believe outside of that.
So, if I'm so rooted in fact how can I bring myself to believe in God? Because of facts. I'm an emotional person. I'll cry at anything that's remotely sad, and I'll cry at anything that is sad in context, even if it's supposed to be comic relief. However, I've come to tell the difference between my levels of crying. I cried during Ni No Kuni, because, spoiler alert, it was super sad and uplifting and just powerful. But the pain I felt when I watched Chris acting in Denton, the emotions that he roused inside of me weren't emotions I feel regularly. Heck, I can barely write that without breaking down.
I went to church last Sunday, and a Youth Service, thanks to being blessed and meeting a fellow Christian. While I sat in both of those services, while I listened to the message, and sang along to the worship songs I could feel my insides turning. Every sleeping piece of myself was stirring. I was in tears for most of it, overwhelmed with the peace I felt. I wasn't going to a church, I wasn't visiting a friend, I was coming home, and it all made sense.
I'd been running from Christ, claiming that I believed in him but knew better for what I needed in my life. I had spent all this time convincing myself, and anyone I could, that I was a strong believer. I wasn't. I was scared, and I'm terrified. I've always been terrified, because I want to go places. I want my dream job. I want my dream home. I grew up hearing stories of people who went into ministry. They lived each day spreading the word of God, and they were at peace.
As a kid, who dreamed of making video games. Who saw in numbers and facts. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to. Now though, I couldn't have made it where I am if he weren't helping me. I wouldn't be interviewing with Google if it wasn't part of his plan. I wouldn't have been picked for my internships or CS Summer camps if it wasn't part of his plan for me.
So here I am, a senior in college, my whole life just waiting to start, and I'm finally sitting down asking God to guide me. To be the deciding factor in my life, not an after thought, because I can do anything through Christ, but nothing without him. And honestly, I'm more terrified of living my dream life without him, than anything else.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Senior Year Again
Sorry about disappearing after that last post. I want to wrap that episode up real quick, and then move on to talk about other stuffs.
I'm better. See, I was in Amarillo when that happened, which was very lucky for me, because I couldn't have dealt with that while being so far away. I continued to get in touch with people and find times for us to hang out, generally lunch or dinner. So, as most catch up conversations start, I was asked, "How are you?" many times.
"Great!" was my natural response, but I found myself pausing, and then continuing with, "Er... Good." or if I was especially bothered at the time it was, "Er... Alright."
Little thing, generally "Alright" entails that there's something bothering the person.
I absolutely couldn't tell people everything was fine when it honestly wasn't. Since that Friday though, I've been able to say "Great!" and mean it though.
Clint's family held the memorial service on that Friday, and I went to it. It was uplifting, and did a wonderful job of celebrating Clint's life. At the beginning, and at the end, I got the chance to talk with several people I either hadn't seen in several years, or a few months. One of those people was a guy from the class above me.
He stood out to me, and partially because I had started talking with him again over the Summer. I hadn't ever really wanted to get to know him, honestly. There was something about his character that just turned me away in high school. Granted, I reached out to him to congratulate him on his getting engaged. We did some catching up, and I realized that he wasn't the persona I thought he was. Funny how that happens.
Well, he did a wonderful job of responding to my last post, and saying exactly what I needed to hear to help me get through the week. He was at the service, and I greeted him afterward and got a hug from him. It was in that moment, that I felt myself get back to the point I was at. That hug was exactly what I needed to push me through, and I don't know how exactly I would have without it.
So I'm great now. For realsies! I miss Clint dearly, but I'm pursuing my life and experiencing everything I can with an open mind and heart!
After I left Amarillo, I went to Denton and spent 4 days (technically) with Chelsea, Tyler and Geoffrey. I was able to sit back and relax, play video games, eat, and just chill with them. It was absolutely amazing! The next 4 days (technically) I spent with Brian, Kelc, Chris, Brison, and a whole slew of other people. I got to be around for Brian filming his short film Hero. (Trailer here: http://vimeo.com/73278165) That was amazing, and I missed being around all that, and the hectic schedule was honestly quite fun.
Now, I'm on day 2 of school. Day 2 of senior year. Crazy! My year looks like it'll be busy, but soooooooo much fun! Like, I need a ton more o's on that so. XD
I gotta head off to get to swimming, so I'm about done.
Hope that everyone in school has a great time, and that everyone not in school just has a great time not being in school. XD
I'll be back before too long. (I have my laptop this time, and it isn't 9 hours away for 2 weeks. XD)
I'm better. See, I was in Amarillo when that happened, which was very lucky for me, because I couldn't have dealt with that while being so far away. I continued to get in touch with people and find times for us to hang out, generally lunch or dinner. So, as most catch up conversations start, I was asked, "How are you?" many times.
"Great!" was my natural response, but I found myself pausing, and then continuing with, "Er... Good." or if I was especially bothered at the time it was, "Er... Alright."
Little thing, generally "Alright" entails that there's something bothering the person.
I absolutely couldn't tell people everything was fine when it honestly wasn't. Since that Friday though, I've been able to say "Great!" and mean it though.
Clint's family held the memorial service on that Friday, and I went to it. It was uplifting, and did a wonderful job of celebrating Clint's life. At the beginning, and at the end, I got the chance to talk with several people I either hadn't seen in several years, or a few months. One of those people was a guy from the class above me.
He stood out to me, and partially because I had started talking with him again over the Summer. I hadn't ever really wanted to get to know him, honestly. There was something about his character that just turned me away in high school. Granted, I reached out to him to congratulate him on his getting engaged. We did some catching up, and I realized that he wasn't the persona I thought he was. Funny how that happens.
Well, he did a wonderful job of responding to my last post, and saying exactly what I needed to hear to help me get through the week. He was at the service, and I greeted him afterward and got a hug from him. It was in that moment, that I felt myself get back to the point I was at. That hug was exactly what I needed to push me through, and I don't know how exactly I would have without it.
So I'm great now. For realsies! I miss Clint dearly, but I'm pursuing my life and experiencing everything I can with an open mind and heart!
After I left Amarillo, I went to Denton and spent 4 days (technically) with Chelsea, Tyler and Geoffrey. I was able to sit back and relax, play video games, eat, and just chill with them. It was absolutely amazing! The next 4 days (technically) I spent with Brian, Kelc, Chris, Brison, and a whole slew of other people. I got to be around for Brian filming his short film Hero. (Trailer here: http://vimeo.com/73278165) That was amazing, and I missed being around all that, and the hectic schedule was honestly quite fun.
Now, I'm on day 2 of school. Day 2 of senior year. Crazy! My year looks like it'll be busy, but soooooooo much fun! Like, I need a ton more o's on that so. XD
I gotta head off to get to swimming, so I'm about done.
Hope that everyone in school has a great time, and that everyone not in school just has a great time not being in school. XD
I'll be back before too long. (I have my laptop this time, and it isn't 9 hours away for 2 weeks. XD)
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Life and Loss
Loss.
One word.
That's kind of the beauty of words though, right? I mean, "loss" is just a three different letters, arranged into four spaces. I mean, you can throw three letters into four spots and get all sorts of things.
Like, imagine being around way back when, and these things we take for granted don't exist yet, and so you're in charge of deciding what sounds and what letters will create this word. By some act of God you decide on the letters l, o, and s.
Soll? Nah, doesn't quite work... Loos? Not quite what you want... Olso? You think that just sounds funny...
Loss.
Now you can tell the difference between a win and a... loss.
(Loss, doesn't feel like a word anymore... Whoa!)
What's really magical though, is that that one word is more than that. You see on paper it is one word.
Loss.
Four letters.
It's actually a really small word. You learn it really early in life. I mean, knowing that words like the ones in this article exist really make these four letters pale in comparison. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Big_Words
If you read and understand that all perfectly, then you sir are a scholar. To be fair, I have no idea if it makes sense, so don't be like, "William that makes no sense. It's just a bunch of big words." I just saw the big words, and knew it would get the point across. XD
Does it really pale in comparison though?
All day I've been trying to respond to this word. See, on paper it's four letters. When spoken though... When your ears pick up on the pain the word carries... When your heart can't tell whether it's supposed to keep beating, or have its own moment of silence...
See, that's the power of a word. Granted, I know it's not the word. I know it's the context.
I am at a loss for where I placed my copy of Pokemon Blue. That doesn't cause you to break down.
I suffered a loss this morning, as I received the news that a really good friend of mine, Clint, from high school died in a car accident. That's powerful.
I woke up to my mom informing me of the accident, to which I spent the next 20 minutes or so scrolling through Facebook reading all the posts, and praying that it wasn't true. I found the article, and still continued to pray that it wasn't true. I curled up in my bed, and cried, still praying it wasn't true.
My heart didn't want to exist. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to text anyone. I didn't want to look at Facebook. I just wanted to stop existing, because that's what felt like the easiest route.
I slowly pulled myself out of bed, and curled up next to my mom, and just laid there. She didn't say much, she just held me. After a few more moments, I was able to take a bath, and get ready for the day. My grandma showed up, and we went to lunch.
And I couldn't stop feeling like I was betraying Clint. Like I shouldn't be out in public, having a normal family moment, when a friend wasn't on this planet any longer. I smiled, and partook in the conversation but there was this weight in my heart.
I told my friend that I felt wrong, but part of me felt like Clint wouldn't want life to stop. He was so full of life, and I can't imagine that he would want anything but those he knew to live.
I've been on a high all Summer just about. Finding every last beautiful thing about life to enjoy. I get home, and am every bit ready to continue experiencing every wonderful thing I can.
Here I am, barreling through this rough time. I don't want to lose this view on life. I've been so happy recently, and I've been missing that in recent years. I'm struggling to find that point at the moment
I think, I might have, but I'm not entirely sure, and honestly still need time to process everything that happened.
I try not to take life for granted. I know how easily it is lost. And to be honest, I find that really beautiful.
I'm trying to be careful here, because I don't want the loss of life to be something that doesn't weigh heavily on my heart. I think, though, that by understanding just how easily life can be lost it makes the life we have that much more magical. There are billions of things that could happen, and a huge percent of those things result in death.
That sounds really dark, but it's kind of true. With that in mind, it makes the fact that I'm here that much more of a gift, and as such I don't want anyone I come into contact with to feel like I'm taking their life for granted.
I don't feel like Clint took life for granted, and I know he made sure to let everyone know just how important they were when he saw them.
To sign off I want to say thanks to Clint. You've touched so many people's lives, and you were a huge role model. I pray that your legacy lives on. I wish I had stayed in touch better. I love you man.
One word.
That's kind of the beauty of words though, right? I mean, "loss" is just a three different letters, arranged into four spaces. I mean, you can throw three letters into four spots and get all sorts of things.
Like, imagine being around way back when, and these things we take for granted don't exist yet, and so you're in charge of deciding what sounds and what letters will create this word. By some act of God you decide on the letters l, o, and s.
Soll? Nah, doesn't quite work... Loos? Not quite what you want... Olso? You think that just sounds funny...
Loss.
Now you can tell the difference between a win and a... loss.
(Loss, doesn't feel like a word anymore... Whoa!)
What's really magical though, is that that one word is more than that. You see on paper it is one word.
Loss.
Four letters.
It's actually a really small word. You learn it really early in life. I mean, knowing that words like the ones in this article exist really make these four letters pale in comparison. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Big_Words
If you read and understand that all perfectly, then you sir are a scholar. To be fair, I have no idea if it makes sense, so don't be like, "William that makes no sense. It's just a bunch of big words." I just saw the big words, and knew it would get the point across. XD
Does it really pale in comparison though?
All day I've been trying to respond to this word. See, on paper it's four letters. When spoken though... When your ears pick up on the pain the word carries... When your heart can't tell whether it's supposed to keep beating, or have its own moment of silence...
See, that's the power of a word. Granted, I know it's not the word. I know it's the context.
I am at a loss for where I placed my copy of Pokemon Blue. That doesn't cause you to break down.
I suffered a loss this morning, as I received the news that a really good friend of mine, Clint, from high school died in a car accident. That's powerful.
I woke up to my mom informing me of the accident, to which I spent the next 20 minutes or so scrolling through Facebook reading all the posts, and praying that it wasn't true. I found the article, and still continued to pray that it wasn't true. I curled up in my bed, and cried, still praying it wasn't true.
My heart didn't want to exist. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to text anyone. I didn't want to look at Facebook. I just wanted to stop existing, because that's what felt like the easiest route.
I slowly pulled myself out of bed, and curled up next to my mom, and just laid there. She didn't say much, she just held me. After a few more moments, I was able to take a bath, and get ready for the day. My grandma showed up, and we went to lunch.
And I couldn't stop feeling like I was betraying Clint. Like I shouldn't be out in public, having a normal family moment, when a friend wasn't on this planet any longer. I smiled, and partook in the conversation but there was this weight in my heart.
I told my friend that I felt wrong, but part of me felt like Clint wouldn't want life to stop. He was so full of life, and I can't imagine that he would want anything but those he knew to live.
I've been on a high all Summer just about. Finding every last beautiful thing about life to enjoy. I get home, and am every bit ready to continue experiencing every wonderful thing I can.
Here I am, barreling through this rough time. I don't want to lose this view on life. I've been so happy recently, and I've been missing that in recent years. I'm struggling to find that point at the moment
I think, I might have, but I'm not entirely sure, and honestly still need time to process everything that happened.
I try not to take life for granted. I know how easily it is lost. And to be honest, I find that really beautiful.
I'm trying to be careful here, because I don't want the loss of life to be something that doesn't weigh heavily on my heart. I think, though, that by understanding just how easily life can be lost it makes the life we have that much more magical. There are billions of things that could happen, and a huge percent of those things result in death.
That sounds really dark, but it's kind of true. With that in mind, it makes the fact that I'm here that much more of a gift, and as such I don't want anyone I come into contact with to feel like I'm taking their life for granted.
I don't feel like Clint took life for granted, and I know he made sure to let everyone know just how important they were when he saw them.
To sign off I want to say thanks to Clint. You've touched so many people's lives, and you were a huge role model. I pray that your legacy lives on. I wish I had stayed in touch better. I love you man.
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