Do Reminisce While Exist

If there was ever a perfect title for my autobiography that would be it.

I have a habit, which some times isn't that great, where I periodically look back through old messages. This includes Facebook messages, Texts, E-mails, Notes, Yearbook signage, or any other medium through which my past has been documented.

I say sometimes it isn't that great, because often times I find myself in the dark bit of my past. When I do that it's a really quick spiral into past William being completely stupid and making choices that should never have been made by any sane human being.

To be fair (Which has become my favorite phrase ever), I wasn't all bad. I know that now, but for some reason one bad note exchange is connected to a bad e-mail exchange, and I can't seem to find anything redeemable about me.

One of the reasons I like doing this though, is because when I find myself caught in the spiral of good things, they are phenomenal.

The other day I was looking through pictures from CSSI, which is the event that sparked this entire blog.

Today, I pulled out my senior year book.

Both were phenomenal experiences for me. Both had a similar theme to them.

People.

Er...

Friends.

People who have encouraged and motivated me to do things that I couldn't do on my own.

If there's any problem I have most, it's not believing in myself. It's this strange thing where I feel like everything I do is wrong. I say the wrong things in conversations, I am terrible at coding, I can't write to save my life, and so much more.

Then I look at these people in my life, and they give me faith in me.

So, not a long post, but thank you to every single person who has crossed my path, whether it was once a long time ago, or you cross by on a regular basis.

I am who I am today because you have helped shape me, and I am really proud of that. I hope that I can keep improving, and make you proud to say you know me!

And I've officially figured out my New Year's resolution, to be more appreciative of the people in my life.

Here's to many more years of reminiscing! =D

Gryffindor -> Loyal

I'm bored.

That's a good reason to blog again, right?

What do I say though? Do I bore anyone reading this with a summary of my life recently? Do I attempt to find some deep meaningful thought in the mess that is my head? Or do I just write and see where it takes me, in the hopes that the journey is something you enjoy, as well as learn from?

I think I'll just write. In fact, I'm treating this as though I'm vlogging, I have a general idea of what I want to say and I'm just going to say things as they come. I'll only stop to correct huge grammatical errors, and minor spelling ones. Haha. If you've already found any then I entreat you to tell me so I can not make them in the future. (I probably will though.)

So, life man. Right?

Well, it's crazy.

I'm graduating next May.

Seriously how is it already that time?

I shouldn't be graduating. I don't have enough experience, I haven't learned everything I can, and I most certainly don't know what the next step is.

People usually have plans, right?

I usually have plans.

I haven't recently.

I mean, the general ones are there.

1) Graduate.

2) Start work.

3) Etc...

That's about it right?

Some big things are missing? I'm sure they aren't too big.

But seriously that's my plan, and people ask about it, and that's what I respond, and I feel like such a loser.

I know people who know where they're going, and I'm here, praying and listening, and waiting to hear back from the last of many interviews in the hopes that this one is different.

See, I'm not extraordinary. I say this often, but it's true. I'm not the best Computer Scientist, most strategical, most innovative, or even the smartest student. I'm fairly average.

I wrote a play for my Play-writing class. Each of my plays has some of me in them. This one was me. It made me realize something about me. I'm not the best at just about anything. I'll accept that. On the outside I'm really rather normal. My extraordinary nature comes from something entirely intangible.

I'm loyal. Like, unhealthily loyal. While playing a video game, I'm loyal. While playing on a soccer team, I'm loyal. When dealing with friends, I'm loyal.

Sure, I screw up. I do really idiotic things, and make super wrong decisions but I'm still loyal.

See, that's something I can't convey to people.

How do you tell someone when they're interviewing you that if you get the position you will be the most passionate person about that company. How do you tell someone that even though you've been turned down for internships and full time jobs you still love their company, and their employees, and will continue to be an advocate for their company?

While growing up I often thought it would be great if I could get back at people who hurt me. Because for some reason I'm a very revenge oriented person. (Not anymore as far as I know. XD)

So, when someone would do something to me, that bothered me, I would get back at them. It was in really indirect ways, and almost always didn't get the point across. So, before college I was super close with my sister. Not that we aren't now, just we're far away and it's hard. Well, I remember once there was a misunderstanding of sorts between us. I think I had suggested going somewhere, and she had sort of said yeah. I decided I was not going to do anything until she legitimately said she wanted to go. Or something stupid like that. My thinking was that if I didn't do anything, and thus laid there miserable, she'd eventually ask. Something along those lines. Well, she didn't, and I spent several hours doing nothing, eventually falling asleep for the night.

I was really ridiculous.

So, I hit college and fall in love with a specific entity. I get involved with it, and start doing things, taking leadership roles, actively applying for things. Eventually I get my first rejection from it, and I was furious. They had their reasons, but I was upset, especially since I was told to apply since I'd be a good candidate.

How could they just turn me away. That was bogus, and they know it. I was frustrated and fed up.

And for about, 5 minutes, I was decided that I was done. No more involvement, no more caring. I was just going to stop talking with them, and that they'd feel bad.

After I got over all that, I went right back to interacting with them, and being an all around advocate for them.

I got turned away again, this time it was something I was more passionate about.

I think I lasted 10 minutes this time.

I'm still quite involved. I still love the entity. I'm fairly certain I'll continue liking it for many years to come.

See, I may falter. I may find myself foaming about the very thing. But I'm still loyal. I'll have your back, long after you've stopped having mine.

TL;DR

If I have ever called you a friend (including most people I've barely talked to, because I make friends quick), or supported a certain group, I will have your back. SERIOUSLY.

Love you guys! =D

(Did that whole post even have a point? I dunno. I just was typing as I thought. How's that for a free-write exercise? Haha.)

Finding Faith

I've never tried to hide my faith, but I've never really been one for telling people about my faith either. I just imagined that if I didn't talk to people about it, then I could pretend it was an all powerful faith that couldn't be challenged.

In reality, I was scared. I was terrified that if somebody knew where I stood in my faith they would call me out. They'd tell me that I wasn't actually a Christian. I was scared they'd realize that I wasn't strong enough to give my life to God. That I believed he'd be there for me always, but that I was still the one who needed to make the major decisions.

I'm a very analytical person. I have been since I was little. The steps required to build code makes more sense to me than the creativity required to build a play. Math and Science make sense, English and Art and Music are beautiful to me because I can't grasp how they do it. As such, it's very easy for me to believe in cold hard facts, and a stretch for me to believe outside of that.

So, if I'm so rooted in fact how can I bring myself to believe in God? Because of facts. I'm an emotional person. I'll cry at anything that's remotely sad, and I'll cry at anything that is sad in context, even if it's supposed to be comic relief. However, I've come to tell the difference between my levels of crying. I cried during Ni No Kuni, because, spoiler alert, it was super sad and uplifting and just powerful. But the pain I felt when I watched Chris acting in Denton, the emotions that he roused inside of me weren't emotions I feel regularly. Heck, I can barely write that without breaking down.

I went to church last Sunday, and a Youth Service, thanks to being blessed and meeting a fellow Christian. While I sat in both of those services, while I listened to the message, and sang along to the worship songs I could feel my insides turning. Every sleeping piece of myself was stirring. I was in tears for most of it, overwhelmed with the peace I felt. I wasn't going to a church, I wasn't visiting a friend, I was coming home, and it all made sense.

I'd been running from Christ, claiming that I believed in him but knew better for what I needed in my life. I had spent all this time convincing myself, and anyone I could, that I was a strong believer. I wasn't. I was scared, and I'm terrified. I've always been terrified, because I want to go places. I want my dream job. I want my dream home. I grew up hearing stories of people who went into ministry. They lived each day spreading the word of God, and they were at peace.

As a kid, who dreamed of making video games. Who saw in numbers and facts. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to. Now though, I couldn't have made it where I am if he weren't helping me. I wouldn't be interviewing with Google if it wasn't part of his plan. I wouldn't have been picked for my internships or CS Summer camps if it wasn't part of his plan for me.

So here I am, a senior in college, my whole life just waiting to start, and I'm finally sitting down asking God to guide me. To be the deciding factor in my life, not an after thought, because I can do anything through Christ, but nothing without him. And honestly, I'm more terrified of living my dream life without him, than anything else.

Senior Year Again

Sorry about disappearing after that last post. I want to wrap that episode up real quick, and then move on to talk about other stuffs.

I'm better. See, I was in Amarillo when that happened, which was very lucky for me, because I couldn't have dealt with that while being so far away. I continued to get in touch with people and find times for us to hang out, generally lunch or dinner. So, as most catch up conversations start, I was asked, "How are you?" many times.

"Great!" was my natural response, but I found myself pausing, and then continuing with, "Er... Good." or if I was especially bothered at the time it was, "Er... Alright."

Little thing, generally "Alright" entails that there's something bothering the person.

I absolutely couldn't tell people everything was fine when it honestly wasn't. Since that Friday though, I've been able to say "Great!" and mean it though.

Clint's family held the memorial service on that Friday, and I went to it. It was uplifting, and did a wonderful job of celebrating Clint's life. At the beginning, and at the end, I got the chance to talk with several people I either hadn't seen in several years, or a few months. One of those people was a guy from the class above me.

He stood out to me, and partially because I had started talking with him again over the Summer. I hadn't ever really wanted to get to know him, honestly. There was something about his character that just turned me away in high school. Granted, I reached out to him to congratulate him on his getting engaged. We did some catching up, and I realized that he wasn't the persona I thought he was. Funny how that happens.

Well, he did a wonderful job of responding to my last post, and saying exactly what I needed to hear to help me get through the week. He was at the service, and I greeted him afterward and got a hug from him. It was in that moment, that I felt myself get back to the point I was at. That hug was exactly what I needed to push me through, and I don't know how exactly I would have without it.

So I'm great now. For realsies! I miss Clint dearly, but I'm pursuing my life and experiencing everything I can with an open mind and heart!

After I left Amarillo, I went to Denton and spent 4 days (technically) with Chelsea, Tyler and Geoffrey. I was able to sit back and relax, play video games, eat, and just chill with them. It was absolutely amazing! The next 4 days (technically) I spent with Brian, Kelc, Chris, Brison, and a whole slew of other people. I got to be around for Brian filming his short film Hero. (Trailer here: http://vimeo.com/73278165) That was amazing, and I missed being around all that, and the hectic schedule was honestly quite fun.

Now, I'm on day 2 of school. Day 2 of senior year. Crazy! My year looks like it'll be busy, but soooooooo much fun! Like, I need a ton more o's on that so. XD

I gotta head off to get to swimming, so I'm about done.

Hope that everyone in school has a great time, and that everyone not in school just has a great time not being in school. XD

I'll be back before too long. (I have my laptop this time, and it isn't 9 hours away for 2 weeks. XD)

Life and Loss

Loss.

One word.

That's kind of the beauty of words though, right? I mean, "loss" is just a three different letters, arranged into four spaces. I mean, you can throw three letters into four spots and get all sorts of things.

Like, imagine being around way back when, and these things we take for granted don't exist yet, and so you're in charge of deciding what sounds and what letters will create this word. By some act of God you decide on the letters l, o, and s.

Soll? Nah, doesn't quite work... Loos? Not quite what you want... Olso? You think that just sounds funny...

Loss.

Now you can tell the difference between a win and a... loss.

(Loss, doesn't feel like a word anymore... Whoa!)

What's really magical though, is that that one word is more than that. You see on paper it is one word.

Loss.

Four letters.

It's actually a really small word. You learn it really early in life. I mean, knowing that words like the ones in this article exist really make these four letters pale in comparison. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Big_Words

If you read and understand that all perfectly, then you sir are a scholar. To be fair, I have no idea if it makes sense, so don't be like, "William that makes no sense. It's just a bunch of big words." I just saw the big words, and knew it would get the point across. XD

Does it really pale in comparison though?

All day I've been trying to respond to this word. See, on paper it's four letters. When spoken though... When your ears pick up on the pain the word carries... When your heart can't tell whether it's supposed to keep beating, or have its own moment of silence...

See, that's the power of a word. Granted, I know it's not the word. I know it's the context.

I am at a loss for where I placed my copy of Pokemon Blue. That doesn't cause you to break down.

I suffered a loss this morning, as I received the news that a really good friend of mine, Clint, from high school died in a car accident. That's powerful.

I woke up to my mom informing me of the accident, to which I spent the next 20 minutes or so scrolling through Facebook reading all the posts, and praying that it wasn't true. I found the article, and still continued to pray that it wasn't true. I curled up in my bed, and cried, still praying it wasn't true.

My heart didn't want to exist. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to text anyone. I didn't want to look at Facebook. I just wanted to stop existing, because that's what felt like the easiest route.

I slowly pulled myself out of bed, and curled up next to my mom, and just laid there. She didn't say much, she just held me. After a few more moments, I was able to take a bath, and get ready for the day. My grandma showed up, and we went to lunch.

And I couldn't stop feeling like I was betraying Clint. Like I shouldn't be out in public, having a normal family moment, when a friend wasn't on this planet any longer. I smiled, and partook in the conversation but there was this weight in my heart.

I told my friend that I felt wrong, but part of me felt like Clint wouldn't want life to stop. He was so full of life, and I can't imagine that he would want anything but those he knew to live.

I've been on a high all Summer just about. Finding every last beautiful thing about life to enjoy. I get home, and am every bit ready to continue experiencing every wonderful thing I can.

Here I am, barreling through this rough time. I don't want to lose this view on life. I've been so happy recently, and I've been missing that in recent years. I'm struggling to find that point at the moment

I think, I might have, but I'm not entirely sure, and honestly still need time to process everything that happened.

I try not to take life for granted. I know how easily it is lost. And to be honest, I find that really beautiful.

I'm trying to be careful here, because I don't want the loss of life to be something that doesn't weigh heavily on my heart. I think, though, that by understanding just how easily life can be lost it makes the life we have that much more magical. There are billions of things that could happen, and a huge percent of those things result in death.

That sounds really dark, but it's kind of true. With that in mind, it makes the fact that I'm here that much more of a gift, and as such I don't want anyone I come into contact with to feel like I'm taking their life for granted.

I don't feel like Clint took life for granted, and I know he made sure to let everyone know just how important they were when he saw them.

To sign off I want to say thanks to Clint. You've touched so many people's lives, and you were a huge role model. I pray that your legacy lives on. I wish I had stayed in touch better. I love you man.

The Mediator

So, my apartment doesn't have internet at the moment, which means I'm almost on the move. Still in Houston for a bit, but basically already in Austin/Amarillo/Denton mentally. Trying to squeeze the last bit of awesome out of Houston before I leave though.

I made a post a few days ago about Adam, and spent a ton of time talking about him and how glad I am to have met him.

This blog will break away from highlighting how grateful I am to Adam, and go into how grateful I am to have met someone else. If you pay enough attention I'm quite positive you already know exactly who I'm talking about.

Brandon.

Cut to the title screen where it flashes "So I found "The Google"". (I'm really running with the idea that my blog works as a TV show format. Haha.)

So Brandon. He was very much the middle ground, and the stability I needed for everything to feel normal. Don't get me wrong, Adam and Brandon could very well have been brothers, and they definitely acted as though they were/are.

Adam, as much as I love him, was out there, and Brandon was always there with the mutual understanding that while we didn't understand him, we understood each other.

I don't know if I got any catch phrases from Brandon, but I do know that I got a Summers worth of laughter thanks to him. Here, I'll provide the background music, while I explain what Brandon means to me. =D

dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN dun dun dun dun dun dun

So there's this guy named Brandon

dun dun dun DUN DUN dun dun dun

He is a lighthearted guy, and very loud.

dun da doo da dun da DUN DUN dun da doo da dun

He scared me at first due to his screaming at the Blackhawks games.

BAHHHHHH

But I overcame that image and found out he's one of the funniest guys to hang out with.

dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN dun dun dun dun dun

Half the time Brandon and I hung out we were looking over at each other, mutually confused about what Adam was rambling on about.

dun dun dun wee do DUN DUN wee do dun dun dun

He is CCNA certified, which means he can do things!

BAHHHHHHHH



And on a more serious note, Brandon if you're reading this stop laughing. I know that's your favorite episode, but breath. XD

Brandon is a hard working guy. He spent so much time, outside of work, studying and preparing for his CCNA certification, which I sadly still do not fully comprehend. He is super outgoing, and always down to have a new experience. He's nice too, always able to get along with people, except maybe the person from my last post, but that's a rare case. Haha.

Thank you Brandon, for always being a fun guy to hang out with, and nothing like I imagined when we first talked on Facebook. You're definitely going places, and I hope that our paths cross again at some point. Even if it's when Adam recruits us for the adult themed water park, because you know what? The idea has actually grown on me, but don't tell Adam.

A Very William Night

I was talking with someone the other day, and they're the type of person that it's kind of assumed you don't like. They're cool with it, and I think for the most part they thrive on making you not like them.

Weird.

The weirder thing, is that I don't see it. I've only talked to him a few times, and never really gotten a chance to hang out with him, but I don't dislike him. I find him genuinely fun to be around. People find it quite easily to comment on his less than likable personality and are very disbelieving of my inability to find him unlikable.

Well, we were talking about this. We discussed his understanding of how people viewed him, as well as his ensuring people viewed him that way.

During our conversation it came up that I was too nice and, in a way, naive to see him as a unlikable person. He wasn't telling me it was a bad thing, but was instead telling me that it was due to the fact that I hadn't been truly let down yet.

I thought about it, and I haven't been devastatingly let down yet. Sure, I've been let down by people I trust, but I still, generally, manage to focus on the good in people.

Look, I'm the guy who picks fights with people who are openly bashing people they've never met over terribly outdated stereotypes. I shouldn't, but I dislike when people are being close minded and shutting out an entire population based on very wrong and close minded ideas.

So, it's quite possible that one day, my very trusting nature will be destroyed. I'm not going to deny the very real possibility of the World laughing in my face as I sit there broken and defeated.

The thing though, is that I don't think I'll stay there. If anything, the World will never be able to destroy my faith in God. I will always have that to carry me through rough times, and pick me up when I'm down.

Another thing though, and the part of this that deals with the title. Haha.

I feel like my blogs always have a opening, the title screen, and then go into the story. In fact, they do. My blog is TV show format. Haha.

So, Wednesday night. I went to the Jonas Brothers concert in Houston yesterday. I had planned to go with a friend, but plans fell through and I ended up going by myself.

I had initially planned to take a billion pictures, and videos and spam my Facebook and Twitter and Instagram with them. I didn't, however, because about two songs in I decided I wanted to just live this moment. I shut my phone off, and put it in my pocket, choosing to experience the concert for everything it was.

Now, I don't fit the Jonas Brothers demographic. First, I'm male. Second, I'm Hispanic. Third, I'm 21. Not necessarily in that order, and not saying Hispanics don't like Jonas Brothers, it just isn't the stereotypical demographic. While I was sitting there, I realized that I wasn't wanting to jump around and scream, or what not, but was just happy being there and experiencing it.

I've listened to them for quite a long time, and it was a wonderful experience being able to hear them singing the songs in person. It was one of those things where I never really envisioned myself being able to experience that.

To tie it all together, I realized that I won't ever become a more cynical person. The fact that I was able to listen to The Jonas Brothers sing a few songs, and not scream and shout or jump around but instead just bask in their music and feel refreshed, reinforced my belief that I'll be able to power through things. That I won't stay down, but will always find some aspect of life to find beautiful.

I'm glad I got to go to their concert, and will treasure that experience for a long time. So, shout out to the Jonas Brothers for producing music that inexplicably makes me happy.

Oh, and just for fun, here.

That song is super stuck in my head. Haha. Oh, and then listen to this one:

That's a good one too! =D

Next post should be another person specific post. Prize for whoever guesses it. =D