I'm introverted.
Very much so. Being social, and hanging out isn't a skill that comes easy to me.
Pile that on top of other aspects of my character, and certain social situations become completely unbearable.
In fact, when approaching most social situations it feels like I'm climbing a huge wall in front of me, and if I get to the top I've succeeded in making it past the initial anxiety that comes with being social. However, a second wall is slowly approaching from behind, and going to pancake me. I have exactly 2 options. Either I risk getting squished, and keep climbing into the social situation, or I run like I want to, and stay safe.
The thing is though, even if I manage to make it to the top, and into the social situation alright, any number of things can trigger another wall that I'll have to climb, with yet another wall attempting to pancake me.
It's also the case that I can be losing the race, and freaking out due to the thought of getting squished when a simple act can pull me out just in time.
So, when I work up the courage to go out, or drink with people, or be in a social situation, regardless of what it is, it means that the people are worth it for me. I said before that it doesn't come easily to me, and that's not a lie.
Every single time I do something that isn't playing video games, or reading/writing/etc by myself, I have deemed the situation worth the fight. If I don't go into a situation, it's not that the people aren't worth it, it's that I don't feel like fighting that specific battle.
The absolute worst thing though, is trying to convey this to people who do enjoy social situations. It's hard explaining to people that you've fought all you can and so when complete strangers end up in your apartment the only thing you have the strength to do is curl up in your bed, and hope that there's no interaction between you and them.
Quite frankly, being a person who struggles to be social, and constantly fights inner battles to enjoy company with friends, and has to weigh each social situation for the personal benefit as well as that of people I care about sucks. Mainly because every time I don't fight, I feel like I let people down, or give off the wrong signal.
So there's that. XD
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
So I Found "Perspective"
I've spent a lot of my life worrying about how I come across to other people.
Having an older brother, I always worried that I was the annoying younger brother who ruined all my brother's "street cred"(1) by wanting to join in on video games and card games. In high school, I spent a lot of time worried that I was going to be the annoying underclassman trying to be friends with the Juniors and Seniors. In classes I spend a lot of time worried that I'll come across as THAT student that gets on the teachers nerves, as well as that of my fellow classmates. With my friends, I constantly worry that I'm not involved enough, or too vocal, or too quiet, or just not what they thought I was.
The most enlightening moment of my life though, was when I realized that none of that mattered.
Sure, I still care about how I come across to people, and I strive to come across in a way that isn't bothersome, but there isn't this overwhelming force in my life where I'm constantly worrying about what people think of me.
Strangely enough, this came with a sudden sense of realization that I am ridiculously(2) good looking.
Hear me out here, because I'm not vying for a spot on the list of 100 Most Handsome Men or whatever. What I mean is that once I acknowledged that I don't have to worry about how I come across to every single person constantly, I realized that I can love me for me. And if we're being honest here, I think I look fairly attractive. I don't expect every person I meet to think so though, and that doesn't bother me.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO!
Which is probably one of the most refreshing things in the world to realize. I like me, a lot. I'm weird, and quirky, and like video games way too much, and will completely fawn over actors based on their mastery of facial expressions(3), and get too excited when I find someone with any sort of talent, and gush over the cheesiness of shows/games. I can watch the same show over and over and over and always manage to tear up, even though I know in the end the hero wins. And I am a sucker for anything Strawberry. I will flat out go Coocoo for Strawberries(4).
This, and so much more, is all me. I love every bit of it. The beautiful thing too, is that if I don't something I can change it. It might be hard but I can. And the even more beautiful thing, is that it's all independent of what other people think of me. I can't control that, and I'm no longer trying to(5).
So, here I am. Four months from graduating, starting full time at HP, and I'm loving every minute of it. =D
1 I'm not entirely sure nerds have street cred, but that's what I'm calling it. XD
2 Ridiculously here is used jokingly, and more so implies a sense of self confidence.
3 This is 100% true, and can also be applied to people who aren't famous. I just really enjoy when someone has good facial expressions. =P
4 So much so that it has to be capitalized. Yeah, obsessed!
5 I don't think I've been letting it control me for a while, but I wanted to make it clear.
Having an older brother, I always worried that I was the annoying younger brother who ruined all my brother's "street cred"(1) by wanting to join in on video games and card games. In high school, I spent a lot of time worried that I was going to be the annoying underclassman trying to be friends with the Juniors and Seniors. In classes I spend a lot of time worried that I'll come across as THAT student that gets on the teachers nerves, as well as that of my fellow classmates. With my friends, I constantly worry that I'm not involved enough, or too vocal, or too quiet, or just not what they thought I was.
The most enlightening moment of my life though, was when I realized that none of that mattered.
Sure, I still care about how I come across to people, and I strive to come across in a way that isn't bothersome, but there isn't this overwhelming force in my life where I'm constantly worrying about what people think of me.
Strangely enough, this came with a sudden sense of realization that I am ridiculously(2) good looking.
Hear me out here, because I'm not vying for a spot on the list of 100 Most Handsome Men or whatever. What I mean is that once I acknowledged that I don't have to worry about how I come across to every single person constantly, I realized that I can love me for me. And if we're being honest here, I think I look fairly attractive. I don't expect every person I meet to think so though, and that doesn't bother me.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO!
Which is probably one of the most refreshing things in the world to realize. I like me, a lot. I'm weird, and quirky, and like video games way too much, and will completely fawn over actors based on their mastery of facial expressions(3), and get too excited when I find someone with any sort of talent, and gush over the cheesiness of shows/games. I can watch the same show over and over and over and always manage to tear up, even though I know in the end the hero wins. And I am a sucker for anything Strawberry. I will flat out go Coocoo for Strawberries(4).
This, and so much more, is all me. I love every bit of it. The beautiful thing too, is that if I don't something I can change it. It might be hard but I can. And the even more beautiful thing, is that it's all independent of what other people think of me. I can't control that, and I'm no longer trying to(5).
So, here I am. Four months from graduating, starting full time at HP, and I'm loving every minute of it. =D
1 I'm not entirely sure nerds have street cred, but that's what I'm calling it. XD
2 Ridiculously here is used jokingly, and more so implies a sense of self confidence.
3 This is 100% true, and can also be applied to people who aren't famous. I just really enjoy when someone has good facial expressions. =P
4 So much so that it has to be capitalized. Yeah, obsessed!
5 I don't think I've been letting it control me for a while, but I wanted to make it clear.
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