A Man Who Never Would

That's right, I just spent a good long amount of time searching for that one line, because it was worth it.

A society built on that idea, "A man who never would."

That's what I call a great end to an amazing episode. As much time as I have spent watching Doctor Who recently, which is a ton of time, that is actually not the reason for this post, although I do hope to be able to work the title in somehow. We'll see, and you can tell me how effective it was later, sound good? Great!

My Friday was one of those Fridays. The kind where everything is everything is wrong, well not not everything, well a few things, well one thing, but everything else is ridiculously awesome, and you're flying on Nimbus (Instead of Cloud 9(?)). To be honest, it never was a bad day, it only got better as the night went on, it was the thought of the future that had me.

I have had the pleasure of watching my brother go through college before me, so I figured I had a good idea of how it was supposed to feel. You leave for College at the beginning of the school year, about mid August every year, and then maybe come back Thanksgiving if you've got time, and then Christmas for sure, and then Spring Break, and then Summer, and repeat.

I was ok with the distance, because in the back of my head I still had many times where I could go and be home. Not just home in my dorm room, or home with some friends, but Home. In my house, with my mom and dad, and sister. I still had 2 months every Summer to be a carefree (with a job) kid in between my crazy schooling.

Shortly after getting into CS I realized that internships were a huge thing. Finding an internship in Amarillo, possible, but for what I'm looking for I would probably have to shoot for somewhere else to get an internship that would really benefit me. Then again, after getting into CSSI I found out that I was on track for the 3 weeks in California before Freshman year, 1 week in New York before Sophomore year, a Summer in California before Junior year, then full internships, full Summers, all at Google.

As long as I don't lose myself and forget what school is, I think I can keep pursuing that schedule. As for the schedule itself, it quickly dawned on me that I was running, faster than I ever thought possible, away from Amarillo, away from my childhood really. I would have one last Summer to be there, and after that my biggest stay at home would be Christmas every year.

Granted, I am excited beyond words to get out there and live. I have so much lying in front of me, waiting to get done, and if anything I'm scared. A year ago I was an over-achieving high school student, who just loved being in school surrounded by the hordes of friends and the whole buildings teaching staff because it was an uber awesome community and I could have lived in those years while everyone above, below, and around me counted down the days to graduation.

I think I just figured something out! Apparently Every Time We Touch by Cascada is magic... Anyway.

I've figured it out I think. The reason graduation scared me. The reason my future scares me. I don't want my life to be defined by that outcome. Walking across a stage. Getting that job with Google.

When faced with those BIG things, I freeze for a moment, because it feels like I'm being thrust into the future. See, as much as I want the big event I know there is a world of adventure before I get there, and when I start thinking about things, like internships, and the whole no more Summers in Amarillo thing I forget that.

I feel as though between that moment, and the moment of my getting there nothing will have happened. Like, I've already lost a whole portion of my life, but that's good! In a sense I have, which sounds weird and probably isn't scientific, but to me it's completely true. As I mentioned in an earlier post, when I was saying I couldn't sleep and people saying I wasn't creative (I think so anyway), I frequently live out scenarios where I do something differently and I imagine everyone's reactions, and then play it all out.

I do the same when I think about things like that. In my head I've already skipped through my life to get to that point, and nothing else happened. Nothing noteworthy, nothing at all. As a result, I feel empty, so empty I don't even know how to handle it.

But I'm not a guy who is going to sit back and watch his life fly by, waiting for the one event that is going to be good for me. No, I never would! I've still got a world of ideas to make realities, and I still have a world of friendships I need to mend, or fortify, or create! I have homework that I need to do, and tests to take, and games to play, and TV shows to watch, and lessons to learn, and programs to create, and lives I can impact.

Most of all, I have a world staring straight at me, watching me grow up, and I'm not about to sit on the side-lines and let that world tell me who I'm going to grow into. There is so much about people, and emotions, and advice, and life in general that I still have to learn. I'm not as good a person as the me of tomorrow should be, and I'll never be a perfect person, but I can keep learning, and making myself better.

That's what life is about, and I can't believe I never understood that better about myself. I live in the future way too often. In doing that I forget about the now, I forget that a now exists. I forget that I'm stuck on the slow path, because my mind zooms through time quicker than the Doctor's TARDIS. I'll go from dreaming of high school to imagining I'm living in California and I don't have contacts with any old friends, and I'm empty because my whole point was to get there and I don't know what comes next.

Physical, material things should never be ultimate goals. They can come true, and if that's the highest then you're done. Metaphysical things should be ultimate goals, I think, because you can never reach something that doesn't truly exist. I strive to be good, but what is good. Moral? Just? Ethical? Obedient?

Exactly! There's no one thing that it can be stapled down as. Even if you try "I want to be moral." you will find that unless you close yourself off from the world you'll never attain that. Unless of course you somehow manage to listen to every idea of morality that exists on this planet, and have nothing else to learn with which to grow.

You are the one thing that should never settle. Never stop expanding your mind because it is so amazing. To learn. I'm not even talking book smarts here, I'm just talking ideas. Everyday new ideas are born. Old ones are merged, completely out of the blue new ones are created, old ones are sustained. You can never stop someone from thinking.

I worked the title in up there somewhere didn't I? I think I did, but I'm not rereading this post. Usually I do, but I'm going to come back in the morning sometime after I've awoken and read through this again. I feel like several points were cut off to form new points that were then poorly explained.

I like to think, however, that everything wasn't just making sense in my head, and that I was, in fact, forming coherent sentences that you guys could follow.

I just realized I've been doing a lot of self-realization posts, and I still have several that I need to do, oh Gwarsh!

Maybe my next post can be more, "I'm writing again, sort of, and here's what I'm trying to pull of this time."

Oh! I just realized my writing could tie in with a lot of this post, but I got past the excited "I'm going to Blog about everything, because I'm freaking Blogging!" stage, and am now in the "I don't want to leave you guys with another novel, but I don't want to just disappear" stage.

I love you guys, just so you know it. I say it often, but I feel like it isn't enough somehow. I'm silly.


For realz I'm off. Remind me not to blog about something this thought provoking next time, I really do like having things that you guys can laugh at. It makes me happy that you actually read this though.

Thanks for everything!