So, I was walking back from my Programming discussion and, as I usually do when I'm anywhere without someone to keep my mind from thinking, I was thinking about a ton of things. For some reason the biggest thing on my mind was being let down by people.
I wanted to let everyone know that I'm not going to be let down by people anymore. Harsh? No. To be let down by someone implies that I let them have that sort of power over me. I allowed them to be the one who was carrying me through life, instead of relying on God to be the one who carried me. So, I hate to break it to you, but if you thought you could ever let me down you're wrong. =D
However, the day that I let myself become numb, the day I let myself stop feeling the pain when people make bad choices is the day that I let myself lose my humanity. Extreme, but true. I pray, harder than I pray about most things, that I don't numb as I grow older. I'm not letting it cripple me, or hold me back, don't get me wrong. Thanks to God, I have enough trust and love to give until the day I die, and I gladly will. Succeeding in life means way less to me than knowing I have shown love to every person I've met, that I've overlooked all the "faults" and found the person that God and I both love.
While that's out there, I would like to add a scenario. Probably one of the hardest things I've gone through in a while. I went to the first Orientation at UT with Summer the first week of June. It was cool, I liked it, but it still wasn't something I was excited for. Well, on the way back, I got a text from Brian, or Chels (I can't remember), and they told me that my new counselor, the one who had come to Tascosa my senior year to replace my old counselor, had been killed. I didn't cry in the car, because I didn't want to make a show, and I kept thinking that as soon as I got home I would run to my mom and just cry.
I couldn't bring myself to when I got home, however because I didn't want to ruin the happiness. After a while had passed, however, I couldn't hold back. My mom was there, and I remember her trying to calm me, as I attempted to explain it. I was destroyed, because I hadn't ever legitimately respected my counselor. She was new, and I didn't like how she didn't know who I was. I was angry that she thought I was just another high school student, who needed to be threatened to do well in school. To this day, looking back, all I can remember is her saying "All my children" as we went up onto the stage to get out diploma.
She cared about us, and I can't say that I ever said something about her that wasn't a sarcastic remark, and all I can think is that I let God down.
I apologize, for where that went just now. And I hope I can lift the spirit before I finish off this blog. That scenario was necessary in my head just now, and I hope that it might have given some insight as to the workings of me.
Ok, so the title. Firsts.
When I sat down at my computer, with the intention of writing for my novel, I was distracted by the other blogs that I hadn't caught myself up on yet. If I know you, and you blog, and I know that you blog, I follow your blog pretty religiously, haha.
So, I'm reading through these blogs, and thinking about how much what they're saying applies to me, how much of it is stuff that I've either thought through, or tried before getting distracted somewhere else.
Let's Blog Drop here:
In Ca$h Kolechta's blog: http://classyandlit.blogspot.com/
She talks about what would happen if we gave people a chance, and how we don't ever look at people expecting them to be best friends. This one is ridiculously me. I've been trying to figure that out, and I came to college not looking for friends, and here's where I need to apologize to people. I've met awesome people, Ca$h Kolechta being one of them, but I don't imagine there being anything there but an acquaintance, which I'm not a fan of that thinking of mine, and I've been trying to fix that.
In Summer's blog: http://collegeastoldbysummer.blogspot.com/
She talks about how at home she feels here. If there's anyone who counters how I feel about UT, it is Summer. She's awesome, and I love how excited she is about college, but I have a bad habit of setting my sights beyond where I currently am. For me, college is awesome, sure. I'm learning the things I need to for my career, and meeting some great people, but beyond that it's not that awesome. It's kinda like if I had to live in Tascosa. It would be great, and I'd love being so close to all the knowledge, but it would suck not getting to go home to a nice home cooked meal, or play games with Cody at my house most likely. I find myself becoming the college recluse.
And to Note Drop:
Now this is mainly Emily's notes, which I promise I don't stalk her. I just always find myself learning something about me, or her, or life, from her notes. I don't have things to comment on from her notes, because I don't want to make this post longer than I have time for.
Finally, to Name Drop:
Merlin
Sora
Ike
Eirika/Ephraim
Fayt
Peter Petrelli
And many more characters from video games, as well as books, movies, and TV shows.
I'm sure if you looked at any of them enough, their character that is, you would find a part of me. I think I took parts from them, whereas some of them were created after I established me, and are just even more of what I want to be like. We'll see how that goes!
Love you guys, and I'm praying for yall! =D
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