I feel like one, and I don't just want someone to tell me I'm not, I just want to vent for a bit, and this is the best place for me to do that. If you would prefer not to read this then I'm alright with that, but I need to say this.
This weekend, has just started. Basically, I've had dinner, and that's about it. Here's the dealio, Brian is visiting Austin, with two of his friends, Carrie and Ian. Now, don't get me wrong at all, both Carrie and Ian are awesome, and I am so uber glad Brian's in town. I love that kid, like I can't explain it at all.
However, I find myself over thinking everything. After watching Brian interact with Ian and Carrie, I couldn't help but feel like a fail. He's got 2 awesome friends, who he's already gone road tripping with, and I bet more up at UTD. Sure, I have awesome friends here at UT. There's Enrique, Mario, Sara, and Samantha (To start with the Google Peoples), and then from my research class there's Jacob, Ramon, Jaira, Britney, Daniel, Norman, and Daniel, and from my poetry class there's Wendy, Ceci, Allie, Julie, and Daniela (I know there's more, but that's not the point of this).
The difference, is that Brian KNOWS these people, and they KNOW him. When do I talk to anyone from my poetry class? When I'm in class, or passing them around campus. The Research people? Pretty much only when we're doing Research. The Google people? (Aside from Sara) When we're in class together, or right after. Why?
I don't know. All I know, is that the only person I hang out with on a daily basis is Summer (And I've been friends with her since elementary school if you didn't know) and sometimes her roommate. I'll hang with Sara and Leslie on occasion, but there isn't anyone else that I really hang out with. It's weird for me. I'm a people person as much as I'm not.
While at dinner, Brian, Ian, and Carrie had a billion stories to tell. Me? I had one about my roommate, and that's pretty much it. I have the all nighter story, and my losing my wallet story. I have nothing else.
Also, I find myself A) Jealous of Brian for being able to make those friendships, and B) Ian and Carrie for getting Brian. I look up to him, probably more than it's healthy to do, but I do. Oh, and by jealous, I mean true envy, almost mad it's so intense. Which in turn makes me feel bad for for being jealous/mad about them being happy.
Who knows, maybe in a few weeks I'll finally get to the hanging out stage, I mean, we pretty much do that in my Research class.
The point is, it's college. Aren't I supposed to be at home here, and never want to go home, because it doesn't feel like home as much, and have this uber base of friends here, and all that jazz? Or am I just expecting a lot out of college, while at the same time not doing a whole lot on my end to get myself there?
Eh, whatever.
I hope everyone had an awesome Friday, and is going to have an Epic weekend!! =D
I cannot explain to you how much I relate to you on this topic. And I think on some level you know that, or know that I could pretend too...because you generally don't tell me to read your blog, unless important. But I do understand. Quite a bit actually. But you helped me realize it. I truly envious of Brison, and angry that he is making so many friends that he hangs out with on a regular basis. But then I realized, I"m ok with it. I realized...the people I meet in college will probably be important to me, but no where near as important as my highschool friends. I will never find someone I care as much about as You, or Brison, or Camron, or Stickley, or Kelcey. Aside from my Husband, because he's not in that group of people...no offense haha.
ReplyDeleteSo I understand.
It took me an entire semester freshman year before I started feeling really comfortable with the good friends that I made that year. Sure, I met tons of people during welcome week and for the first month I hung out with different people, but I don't talk to any of those people now.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the three good friends I make, I talk to on a regular basis. I can call them anytime to rant the bad things or to rave about the good, and they'll listen before going off on their own spiels.
So far at WT, I haven't made any friends that I didn't have before. I don't even really have that many people that I talk to in class. But that's just how I am. Don't worry about trying to make friends or forcing things to happen, important relationships will grow on their own, and the others won't matter in the end anyways. I'm not saying to shut yourself off from the world, but just keep living and eventually it'll start to feel more and more like home.
And, just so you know, you'll never stop missing your high school friends, especially if they were good ones.