I've never tried to hide my faith, but I've never really been one for telling people about my faith either. I just imagined that if I didn't talk to people about it, then I could pretend it was an all powerful faith that couldn't be challenged.
In reality, I was scared. I was terrified that if somebody knew where I stood in my faith they would call me out. They'd tell me that I wasn't actually a Christian. I was scared they'd realize that I wasn't strong enough to give my life to God. That I believed he'd be there for me always, but that I was still the one who needed to make the major decisions.
I'm a very analytical person. I have been since I was little. The steps required to build code makes more sense to me than the creativity required to build a play. Math and Science make sense, English and Art and Music are beautiful to me because I can't grasp how they do it. As such, it's very easy for me to believe in cold hard facts, and a stretch for me to believe outside of that.
So, if I'm so rooted in fact how can I bring myself to believe in God? Because of facts. I'm an emotional person. I'll cry at anything that's remotely sad, and I'll cry at anything that is sad in context, even if it's supposed to be comic relief. However, I've come to tell the difference between my levels of crying. I cried during Ni No Kuni, because, spoiler alert, it was super sad and uplifting and just powerful. But the pain I felt when I watched Chris acting in Denton, the emotions that he roused inside of me weren't emotions I feel regularly. Heck, I can barely write that without breaking down.
I went to church last Sunday, and a Youth Service, thanks to being blessed and meeting a fellow Christian. While I sat in both of those services, while I listened to the message, and sang along to the worship songs I could feel my insides turning. Every sleeping piece of myself was stirring. I was in tears for most of it, overwhelmed with the peace I felt. I wasn't going to a church, I wasn't visiting a friend, I was coming home, and it all made sense.
I'd been running from Christ, claiming that I believed in him but knew better for what I needed in my life. I had spent all this time convincing myself, and anyone I could, that I was a strong believer. I wasn't. I was scared, and I'm terrified. I've always been terrified, because I want to go places. I want my dream job. I want my dream home. I grew up hearing stories of people who went into ministry. They lived each day spreading the word of God, and they were at peace.
As a kid, who dreamed of making video games. Who saw in numbers and facts. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to. Now though, I couldn't have made it where I am if he weren't helping me. I wouldn't be interviewing with Google if it wasn't part of his plan. I wouldn't have been picked for my internships or CS Summer camps if it wasn't part of his plan for me.
So here I am, a senior in college, my whole life just waiting to start, and I'm finally sitting down asking God to guide me. To be the deciding factor in my life, not an after thought, because I can do anything through Christ, but nothing without him. And honestly, I'm more terrified of living my dream life without him, than anything else.
